Uncle Dick: Advice for the Lovelorn #5 – Wyeth Digital

Uncle Dick: Advice for the Lovelorn #5

Originally Published 03-03-2013

Uncle-Dick-Portrait-2Welcome to Uncle Dick’s Advice for the Lovelorn. Seek your romance answers by using the email form to the right, or asking on Facebook. While you’re there, throw Uncle Dick a “Like.”

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Dear Uncle Dick:
I’ve been widowed for several years now. I’m feeling a little lonely these days and I’m considering getting back into the dating pool. There’s an attractive gentleman in the retirement bungalow next door who seems reasonably not-to-die, but it’s been nearly 40 years since menopause and I’m worried that “Cupid’s Cupboard” might be slightly bare. How can I be sure my whisker biscuit is ready to be served?
~ Mightily Aged Betty Enjoys Lotharios

Dear MABEL:
First of all, MABEL, thank you for shattering stereotypes about sexually active old hens! Also, my therapist thanks you for the extra sessions I’m going to need to wipe the image of your “whisker biscuit” from my mind. Seriously, my brain is only about twice the size of a pea! It’s hard NOT to fixate on stuff!

But onto your problem! Dryness in the “rooster jaws” isn’t something unheard of in older chicks, so don’t be embarrassed! The first thing I’d recommend is finding a good OB/GYN who won’t curl up in a fetal position when you explain your situation. S/he’ll probably suggest a lubricant that you apply before making whoopee (the clinical term for “intercourse”) to help smooth the road into tuna town. Just be sure that if you’re engaging in relations at his house that you don’t accidentally use old Henry’s Preparation H! In your case, “safe sex” is all about the reading glasses!
~ Uncle Dick

Dear Uncle Dick:
I really enjoy your column, but I have this nagging feeling that you’re a bit of a misogynist.
~ Can’t Honestly Ignore Creepy Klods

Dear CHICK:
No, I’m Protestant.
~ Uncle Dick

Dear Uncle Dick:
I live with two really hot chicks! I’d be interested in “getting to know them better,” but they don’t want to, and I’m okay with that. The problem is, my landlord doesn’t allow co-ed habitation, so I pretend to be gay around him and his wife, but my best friend, “Larry,” thinks I’m some kind of a stud getting laid every night! It’s exhausting living these lies! Plus, no one ever closes the fucking front door! I mean, we live in suburban L.A. for Christ’s sake!
~ Just Acknowledge Creative faKery

Dear JACK:
Find an agent. Now. And stop pretending to be gay. That’s not cool, dude.
~ Uncle Dick

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