Uncle Dick: Advice to the Lovelorn #4 – Wyeth Digital

Uncle Dick: Advice to the Lovelorn #4

Date of original publication: 02-20-2013

Uncle-Dick-Portrait-2Welcome to Uncle Dick’s Advice to the Lovelorn. Seek your romance answers by using the email form to the right, or asking on Facebook. While you’re there, throw me a “Like” !

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Dear Uncle Dick:
How do you tell a modern-aged woman you like a musician from the fifty’s like Muddy
Waters… Please don’t sail on too long…. I can not….. mumble the words….
~ Levity Encourages Veritas, Indubitably

Dear LEVI:
I’ve found modern chicks to be very forgiving of some retro tastes (although they do bawk at being called “chicks” for some reason). As long as she knows that “Muddy Waters” was a musician and isn’t some euphemism for cleaning yourself in dirty bathwater — oh, wait! Dirty Bathwater is also a musical group. Um… Anyway, just try to assure her that you’re not some kind of butthole surfer — Jesus H. Chicken Chow! That’s a band, too! Damn it!

Look, just tell her if she’s got a problem with Muddy Waters, Dirty Bathwater, or Butthole Surfers to go and cluck herself! You don’t need that kind of aggravation!
~ U.D.

Dear Uncle Dick:
Mom wants to know if you can watch me while she’s at her book club meeting?
~ Niece Is Expecting Complete Ennui

Dear NIECE:
Tell my sister that yes, I can look after you while she gets drunk on wine coolers and pleasures herself in the back row of Fifty Shades of Grey.
~ U.D.

Dear Uncle Dick:
Lately I’ve been feeling sexually confused. I’ve told a close friend, but he doesn’t understand and keeps encouraging me to date the same kind of girls I’ve always dated.

But I don’t want to date girls anymore — I’m just not interested! How do I convince him, and tell those closest to me, that I’m attracted to kumquats?
~ Vegetable Endearment Grants delIght

Dear VEGI:
Kumquats, huh? Even the name sounds filthy! Kummm-quatss! “You’re a naughty, naughty kumquat!” How’s that not a turn-on?

I’m glad you wrote in, VEGI, because it offers me an opportunity (and legal obligation) to declare that I am a registered vegesexual in six states. I’ll have to let the experts debate upon whether it’s a choice or we’re born this way, but all I know is that from the time I hatched and to this day I find myself sexually attracted to leafy greens, eggplants (a therapist suggested separation anxiety for that one), butternut squash and baby corn.

It’s a difficult life, VEGI. Society just doesn’t understand our compulsion and criminalizes a victimless love. As a registered vegesexual I’m not allowed within 500 yards of a farmer’s market and can’t walk the produce section at my local grocery without an escort from the store’s staff. Its demeaning and unfair. What we do with kohlrabi in the privacy of our bedroom, or car — or front lawn! — is our business and not the state’s. But until there are equal rights for those of us who know the love of cucumbers, society will not look kindly upon us. You must decide for yourself if engaging in vegesexualism is worth being potentially ostracized by your friends, family and gardening club.
~ U.D.

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