Uncle Dick: Valentine’s Day Advice – Wyeth Digital

Uncle Dick: Valentine’s Day Advice

Uncle-Dick-Portrait-2Today is a special Valentine’s Day edition of Uncle Dick’s Advice to the Lovelorn. Seek your romance answers by using the email form to the right, or asking on Facebook. While you’re there, “Like” Uncle Dick on Facebook! 

 

 

Dear Uncle Dick:
I just realized it’s almost Valentine’s Day and I haven’t bought my boyfriend anything yet. I need a special last-minute gift so he feels just as special as I do, any suggestions from a guy’s perspective?
~ Can Honeys Include Chocolate Kisses Somehow

Dear CHICKS:
Gee, you don’t know what to get your boyfriend for Valentine’s Day? Big surprise! It’s a well-known fact that Valentine’s Day is about chicks. The shadowy and sinister “Feminati” has seen to that! Who do you think cut Saint Valentine’s head off? The Feminati! They needed a chocolate fix between Christmas and Easter.

Candy, roses, cards, plush animals… is there anything manly about those? No! Ask yourself this, CHICKS, when was the last time you saw a Valentine’s special on a socket set? Yeah, I thought so!

I must apologize, CHICKS, for hopping onto my “roostrum.” You wanted to know what you could give your boyfriend that would make him feel as special about Valentine’s Day as you do? A vagina. Get him a vagina. Because unless he has one of those, it ain’t happening!
~ U.D.

Dear Uncle Dick:
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and I haven’t gotten her a gift yet. I’m not sure what to do; I really like her, but I HATE shopping! Should I dump her?
~ Lad Acts ZanY

Dear LAZY:
There seems to be a lot of this going around! Doesn’t anyone own a calendar?!?

Before you break up with anyone, LAZY, you have to decide if it’s worth it. You need to take many factors into consideration. For instance:
1) Are you really so hot you can snag another chick quickly (like AFTER the holiday)?
2) If not, do you hate shopping more than celibacy?
3) Chicks are a vulnerable, churning mass of emotions, especially at this time of year; she won’t let you go easily! Will your many break-up “conversay-shuuns” take more time than a trip to the Dollar Store to pick up a mylar balloon and a box of candy hearts?

Take it from me, do the shopping!
~ U.D.

Dear Uncle Dick:
I don’t own a calendar, could you tell me if it’s almost Valentine’s Day yet?
~ Don’t Umbarrass Me

Dear DUM:
Cluck you!
~ U.D.

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